written by Jonathan
scribed by David
long pointless parenthetical remarks written by David

Unfortunately for you, we felt like publishing another of these. So, here we go. Let's see, where were we? Ah, yes, our author had just been kidnapped by evil Bizorkians (very different from normal Bizorkians, because they actually put salt on their meat before eating it). Anyway, let us continue... (Please?)

"Stop!" yelled the producer. "Bring back my author!" And the producer went after the Bizorkians with his favorite cattle prod. He slew the two salt-users and rescued the author.

Meanwhile, back on Earth, Superclipium had just crash-landed, the reasons of which you read of in the last newsletter. The exact location of this crash landing was in the White House (actually, what we call white actually looks to the Bizorkians like what we would call chartreuse, but they still call it white) of the United States of America (although by that time in the future the location belonged to Iceland, they still...never mind). Superclipium (who from now on we will refer to as SC, because my hands are getting tired) decided to go into the White House because A) that was the normal method of starting one's visit on another planet, B) he felt like it, C) he thought it would improve the relations between Bizorkia and Iceland, and D) there is no D, we just put that in to make up for the space we are losing because we're writing SC instead of Superclipium. As he walked into what appeared to him as the Chartreuse House, he noticed a man in a grey suit with something dangling (yes, gravity still made things dangle) from his ear (in case you didn't realize it, this was a security guard). He didn't seem to be completing many Bizorkian work minutes, but he sure was racking up Terrestrial ones. (see footnote on Bizorkian/Terrestrial work minutes) As SC approached him, he noticed he was whistling a Bizorkian military tune (the scribe wants to let you know that the lack of clear antecedants in that sentence is the author's fault, not his). This actually had to do with the smuggling of computer chips to Bizorkia in the year 1999. But that is another story, that we might tell you (but probably not) sometime. "Take me to your It!" commanded SC (it should be noted that Bizorkians refer to their leaders as its). This paragraph is getting kind of long so we will
start a new one.

The man looked down at his "feet" and noticed there was a squirming paper clip next to his left big "toe". "Who are you?" asked the security "guard" (the author wants to let you know that the use of quotation marks in that sentence are the scribe's fault, not his) (it should also be noted that quotation marks are often used by Bizorkian scribes when they get bored of just writing normally; thus, they have no actual meaning in Bizorkian literature). "Superclipium" replied SC. "Take me to your It!"

At that moment, the scribe was--

hIgH iT:s ME THE awthor thE sKrib HAS juST bEn tA ken AWAy By GooD biZrKanS ( THATs THE ciND thaT DOe'Snt Eat SAlt oN TheRE meET

Footnote: As we all know, Terrestrial work minutes measure the amount of time that you're *supposed* to be working. On the other hand (or the Bizorkian equivalent of hands), Bizorkian work minutes measure the amount of time that you *actually* spend doing something. For example, we would measure what we are doing right now as terrestrial work minutes, since we are not anything useful. (It is also possible to accumulate negative Bizorkian work minutes, if you do something that undoes aomeone else's Bizorkian work.

TO BE CONTINUED... (sometime) (hopefully)

We now are awarding commissions! For every person you convince to sign up for this list (or for the first one), you will get a free life-size
action figure of Superclipium (choose between four different sizes!)! Just have the person send us an email asking to subscribe, and telling us that you told them to subscribe. Thanks.

confusedly,
Jonathan (David was taken by good Bizorkians, remember?)

P.S. I want to die in my sleep like my grandfather, not screaming in terror like the passengers in his car.